FORUM

" We are all in this alone.Together"

Lily Tomlin

The forum is a space where we can share each other's questions,
concerns, and advice as we walk our individual paths
through grief. Feeling the presence of others who carry their burdens
of sorrow, helps to clarify our questions and trust that there
are answers that ring true to each one of us. Grieving is a journey, not
a destination. The forum allows us to connect with others on the path.

Click here to ask your question or concern.

 

Holidays, celebrations and grief make strange bed-fellows. Although we all have a hard time bringing these ideas together, for a large majority of our world, that is exactly what we are being faced with as the holiday season
approaches. What to do? Do we "try" to put our grief away and hide our feelings in order to fit in and not bring our friends and families "down" with us? Or do we hide ourselves away with our grief and suffer alone? Do we use drugs and alcohol, food and shopping
to help fit in better?From my experiences both personally and professionally, I can tell you that none of that works. We might find some guidance if we take a few moments to examine our beliefs and attitudes about how we live our lives with our losses.

How often are we confronted by the idea that when holidays, birthdays, anniversaries or any celebrations come around, the physical absence of those we love causes unbearable suffering? Not only are our TV and movie scripts full of images of the loneliness
that is felt when others are celebrating and we cannot, but our minds are full of those images as well. When we are focused on what is absent from our lives, on not having what we feel we need in order to be happy, we suffer.We bring pain into our lives and into the
lives of those around us. But what would happen if, instead of focusing on what is ABSENT, we were to focus on what is PRESENT?

Doris Grumbach wrote a book entitled The Presence of Absence in which she explores prayer and her relationship to G-d. When I first saw the title, I began to think about its opposite: The absence of presence. What would it take, I wondered, to shift the focus in our journey through grief
from what feels absent to what continues to be present?The power of the polarity of these two ideas and the many images they conjure up in our minds has brought healing to many struggling to honor love and loss by weaving our grief into the fabric of our lives. Consider:
The Presence of Absence
The Absence of Presence

In the first instance, the presence of absence, we are focused on what is present. What is here. What we have. What do I continue to have in the face of my father's death? On Jan.2,2008, my father ( of blessed memory) will be dead 16 years. And I feel the presence of his love
for me, my love for him, his wisdom, his insights, his humor, his humility, more and more with each passing day. My husband, who never met my father, "knows" him through me, through my son, through stories and pictures, through tears and laughter, through my keeping him
present in life affirming ways. In the second instance, the absence of presence, I find myself focused on what is absent. What is not here. What is "not here" is physical. Our emotional and spiritual relationships transcend the physical.

To grieve can mean to continue loving what we HAVE of those we love who are no longer physically present in our lives. This love eases the pain of what we don't have. The Holidays present a unique opportunity for bringing ourselves back into wholeness after being broken
apart by loss. The word "holiday" is a contraction of two words: holy and day. And the words "holy" and "heal" are derived from the word "whole".The ancients believed that to be "holy" is to be whole and to be whole is to be healed.By focusing on what we have, we are whole.

This Holy Day season, whenever you feel yourself sinking into the black hole of what is absent in your life, create a ritual to honor what is present. Light candles in honor of those you love, bake a cake in their memory and share it with a story, give someone else's mom
the treat you might have given to your mom or take the neighbor's kids to the movies. Simply recall a way in which you appreciated your loved one's presence and share it. Or do it alone with your beloved in your heart. Remember, "alone" is a contraction of "all one".Talk about
( and even to!) your loved ones who aren't present. Don't be afraid to share the love and the memories.

Whenever I miss my friend Golda, I take her for a walk on the beach with me. If I run into anyone I know, I share a Golda story. I have lots! And whenever I'm missing my Dad, I light a seven day candle in the window and everyone knows Saul is visiting. Imagine all the ways in which
you can live and share the presence of what feels absent! As my son said to me years ago when he first left home: Mom, it's a GOOD thing you miss me! Right. I need to remember that.